Jewish Marriage Institute

Last week we introduced the idea, that we can learn how to strengthen our marriages by using the same “tricks” that we have been given to strengthen our relationship with Gd. They are Teshuva, Tefila, Tzedaka – Repentance, Prayer and Charity.

This week we are going to continue with some ideas on how we can use prayer to strengthen our relationships and marriages.

The day of our wedding is described as being a “time of opportunity”, when the heavens are open and Gd is closer and, so to speak, hears our prayers more loudly. One of the pieces of advice that we give to a couple, is that when the bride is walking around the groom seven times, they should choose seven different things to pray for together.

When a couple sits down and talks about their wishes and dreams, and then puts them into a top seven ranking, this will undoubtedly bring them closer together. It will give them a far greater understanding of each other and by harmonizing them it will also bring them closer together.

Give it a try. First take a look at this article for some ideas of things that you might want to include on your list.

When we pray we need to say what we feel at the moment. Right now what are you worried or anxious about, pray for it! Right now what do you need to strengthen your relationship, pray for it! Right now what does your partner need to make their lives easy, better and more successful, pray for it! Then give Gd the chance and opportunity to answer.

When we pray for our spouses it means that we are making ourselves sensitive to their needs, and that we are letting go of some of ourselves to make room for them. Anything that we can do to train us to be less self-centered is great for our marriages.

We might find it easy or natural to pray for children and that our children will be successful, but it is so much more critical to pray for our marriages. Our best chance of having healthy, stable children is by making sure that they grow up surrounded by a healthy, happy, stable marriage. So pray for it!

On Rosh HaShana we work on reestablishing our relationship with Gd. The month before, Elul has been spent thinking about what went wrong in the previous year, how we can fix it and how to plan for success in the coming year.

In the prayer service we read the keys to success in rebuilding and strengthening that  relationship and the way to rip up the evil decrees. They are Teshuvah, Tefila and Tzedaka – repentance, prayer and charity.

I want to show how we can apply these three things to our relationship with our husband or wife.

This time we will look at Teshuva.

We need to do teshuva on a Gd – us level, when we recognize that I have done something that upsets or hurts Gd – so to speak. Gd doesn’t cry or give us the silent treatment if we eat a cheese burger, but we know it is wrong because we have his instruction book, the Torah, that tells us what is expected of us.

So on the one hand it is easier than marriage because we have the exact rules and expectations written down for us, but it is also more subtle as the signs of the hurt are not staring you, or slapping you, in the face.

Teshuvah means that I recognize that I have done something wrong, something hurtful and I need to change.

There are four basic parts to Teshuvah, and this is how we can apply them to our marriages:

1. Leaving the Sin
2. Regret
3. Confession Before G-d
4. Acceptance for the Future

1 – leaving the sin, if you do something that bothers your spouse – STOP IT. If it drives them crazy that you leave your shoes in the middle of the living room then don’t. If it scares them that you dive to fast, slow down.

The first step to rebuilding the damage in that area of the relationship, is to stop doing it!

Think of an example, even a trivial one where you have been asked to stop doing something, you agreed and maybe even stopped for a while, but then carried on doing it. Why? Why didn’t the change last?

The answer is part 2 – regret. It is because you are not sorry about the hurt you caused or are causing, you didn’t think it was a big deal. The Chassidic master, the Netivos Shalom, explains when talking about Teshuvah with Gd, that when you honestly care about the person and the relationship, and therefore don’t want to cause them any harm or hurt at all, you won’t do it again.

Teshuvah only lasts when you regret the incorrect action AND the hurt that was caused by the action.

3 – Confession. You have to say “Sorry”. We all know that; “Sorry seems to the hardest word to say”. But why is it so hard?

Ego, arrogance, honor. All the things that make us want to be right, even when we know we are wrong.

Following is an idea of what might be the perfect apology, try it out and see what you think.

‘You were hurt? well let me tell you honey, I had no idea you were hurt by this and from what I see now, you have every right to be hurt and I am sorry, but you know something honey, I didn’t know it would hurt you, but had I known, I would have never have done it and I will see to it that I will never repeat it. Please forgive me.

At the end of that paragraph there is part four of the four steps; “I will see to it that I will never repeat it”. This is 4 – acceptance for the future. You have to say that you will not do it again and you have to make a plan of how not to.

The Rambam teaches that the root of all our transgressions is a flaw in our character.  Something deep inside of me which is causing me to do things that I know are wrong. It could be jealousy, lust, selfishness, ego, arrogance, etc. etc.

So too in a marriage. We have to think what is it that is leading me to hurt my partner. YOU have to take responsibility to change and ask yourself, “What do I have to do to be a better husband or wife.”

As the joke goes, how many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? One, but the bulb has to want to change. You have to make the choice to change so that you can improve yourself and your marriage.

Every now and then I will meet a couple that love all the same things as each other. They read the same books, they listen to the same music and they enjoy visiting the same places, they never run out of things to do together.

The other 95% of the time I meet people like you and me who can’t quite understand what is so exciting about that TV show or why you would be crying at that movie. We find our partners hobbies boring or just downright weird. The idea of trying to hit a little white ball hundreds of feet in to a hole is just bizarre. To worry about what sauce to put on the brisket seems futile; if it’s dead just eat it!

If we are really bad (at the skill of marriage) we might express how crazy we think our spouses are, but they probably don’t think it is funny. Most of us will shrug our shoulders, raise an eyebrow and just let them get on with it.

How about this. Use the differences between you to show that you are interested in your partner’s life and you want to be able to share the things that are important to them. I don’t mean that you have to pad up and go play football, or don an apron and learn how to make the fluffiest soufflé in town. But find out the basics of their hobby or interest so they can share their passion with you.

You could say this about work too. Many times I have asked women what their husband do and they tell me that they don’t really know. Wouldn’t it be nice for that guy to be able to share a little of what he spends most of his waking hours doing with the most important person in his life?

One last thought. If you really can’t find a way to get involved, then how about starting something new together: Ballroom dancing, gardening or bird watching.

The key is to find ways to grow together.

Who do you idolize?

Think of your (sorry to be crass) favorite pin up, singer, politician, activist, hero etc. You think they are amazing because they are very talented at something. Our job as a wife/husband is to be the loudest cheer leader for our spouse. This means that no matter what, we are supporting them, and they know it. They see it, hear it and feel it from you verbally and through your actions every day.

We need to be able to walk around with the feeling that no matter what challenges, successes or curve balls we experience in our daily lives, that someone at home is accepting me and rooting for me every step of the way. Whatever the outcome.

Their job is their responsibility, they have to try their hardest to do what they have to do. Your responsibility is to help them put in the effort by making sure they know that no matter the outcome that they are and always will be supported. It takes away much of the fear factor and pressures of life when you know that if you don’t get the job, promotion or the exact groceries on the shopping list I am still loved.

In Judaism success is defined by the effort not the achievement. Feeling accepted and supported through thick and thin builds confidence and self esteem and nurtures contentment. Take away the egg shells and throw down petals. This week tell your spouse that no matter what happens in your life, you are 100% behind them and on their team. Remember to make sure that you do it with eye contact and finish with a hug!

When you kick back at the end of the day with your cup of coffee or class of scotch and think about your day, are filled with contentment or regret?

At the end of a successful day we might stop and appreciate all the blessings that we have. A loving family, spouse and kids. A job, a home to live in and some money in the bank. On other days we may stop and look back at what we said and wish that we could suck our words back in, or rewind the tape and redo the scene, just like they get to when they make movies.

There are no second chances for today, but there is a first chance for tomorrow, a chance to get it right first time.

How can you get yourself into a position where you will not wish that you could redo your day? Start your day with an unconditional “I love you”, to your partner and your kids and you can even add, “Can’t wait to see you this evening.”

Say sorry if yesterday ended on a bad note, and make it a sincere apology without the word “but”. “I sorry that I yelled when you came home late last night”, and remember to leave off “but the kids were driving me crazy.” By recognizing what happened without being defensive validates your partner and expresses love and respect.

Remember, all good things only come through hard work. It is true for school, career and the perfect golf swing, and especially relationships. Take a deep breath and remind yourself, that if you are going to make a success of your relationship/marriage you are going to have to put maximum effort into it today. And be prepared that today might be a bumpy ride on your road to success, but you can deal with it because you know where you want to be.

It’s really hot outside. The highs for Los Angeles today are at 98 degrees. We are in the middle of a heat wave!!!!

How can I get into that hot car again????? But I have to, carpool, errands and work beckon! I am 100% committed to being there for my kids, my colleagues and my home, but can I really do that car journey again?.

The voice inside my head says, “Yes, you can do it”. Focus on the mantra “stay centered, balanced, relaxed … stay centered, balanced, relaxed.”

In Rabbi Pliskin’s book, he posses the following scenario. Imagine someone offered you a large sum of money to develop a skill. The skill of remaining calm and centered when faced with challenges, criticism, anger or nagging. You would definitely be motivated by the money to work on these skills. If they were offering enough money to change your life, you would read anything you could, consult all the experts and practice every day until you were the best.

Living a joyous stress free life with a happy marriage makes you wealthier than the richest person on the planet. So, spend as much time as you need on this skill. It will transform your challenges into moments of great growth and joy!

Even when it is your partner that gets you off balance, that is just an illusion. Only you can get yourself off balance. Start by talking to yourself in ways that make you calmer, visualize a relaxing scene, learn some breathing exercises, whatever you need to do to take control of your own emotional state.

Right now, I’m visualizing sinking into a cool bath of ice cubes.

safe haven noun area free from danger, area free from harm, place of safety

Something we all want for our homes (and our marriages) is for them to be a safe haven that is protected from craziness, commotion and turmoil. Life is demanding and stressful, all day someone wants something from you and it is almost impossible to find a quiet moment.

Here are some ideas on how to turn our homes into (at least somewhat) calmer places where we can feel safe and secure.

We have a rule in our house that you are not allowed to talk to someone when they are in a different room, you have to find them and talk to them in a soft voice. This is a great way to bring the volume down and it stops a lot of misunderstandings too. Practice speaking softly and you will see that it is hard to be in a fight when there is no one shouting back.

Another great tip that I learnt to stop the tension (and volume) from rising is to smile. You know, the curved line that puts everything straight! Try a quick practice right now wherever you are; imagine you are angry with someone and then smile, it’s impossible to be angry or to shout and smile at the same time. Next time you feel you are about to enter an escalation with your husband/wife or kids, smile. You will see what a difference it makes.

Here’s a random one that will do wonders towards creating a feeling of security in your home. Make a budget and STICK TO IT. Money is the number one source of conflict in a marriage (so I guess divorce too). Be proactive at removing that source of conflict by sitting down together and discussing and deciding on your financial goals and priorities.  A buy now pay later attitude may end up costing you a lot more that you expected.

It’s our responsibility to make sure that inside our front doors there is a safe environment where everyone feels safe.

The Jewish approach to all relationships is that we have to teach ourselves to love our friends / neighbors / co-workers, and even in-laws, like we love ourselves. But if you can’t do it in your marriage, then the rest is worth very little.

We speak to each other all of the time, think for a moment, how do you like to be spoken to?

gently or harshly

softly or loudly

with support or with sarcasm

patiently or intolerantly

When you express how you are feeling to your spouse, what kind of response would you like to receive?

dismissive or caring

criticized or supported

ridiculed or understood

mocked or loved

If you have planned to spend some time together, would you expect your partner to …?

be on time or be late

forget or remember

turn up tired or find energy for you

be distracted or be attentive

We crave love, support and validation from our partners, it’s their job! They are supposed to be taking care of my every need, emotion and desire (even before I know I have them). When they fail to live up to that standard you might even find yourself getting depressed or angry.

If it is your right in your marriage, then it is theirs too. Your job is to make them feel as cherished, special, important, desired, cared for and respected as you would like to be … all of the time.

Who would like a vacation? Anyone want to go to a spa? How about paid leave from work so the two of you can go on a romantic getaway, to a resort where other people cater to your every need? I think it sounds great!!!

It sounds great because life is a busy, crazy, a rat race, mundane, routine and full of distractions that take you away from being in vacation mode with each other.

So, what can you do instead? Make mealtimes an opportunity for a romantic dinner together, letting the answer phone take the calls.  Change your cell phone into a device that creates intimacy thru texting each other with short cute messages just for the heck of it, instead of being a device that eats into your private time.  Be addicted to each other, not the phone.

How about setting aside time for a daily walk before or after work, or any other quality activity, even if it only takes 15 minutes as long as it connects you and helps to make sure that the two of you are walking in the same direction.

Our marriage relationship is often taken for granted, Rabbi Twerski uses the example of a lawn that needs nutrients and upkeep to eliminate the weeds, the same holds true for marriage. It needs our time and attention to stop unwanted stress and outside distractions from harming its growth.

But I know what you are thinking! “I DON”T have any time to give”. How can you create time when you just don’t seem to have any? Here are a few thoughts for you: Give up the Sunday morning lie in to have a leisurely breakfast together. Buy in dinner once a week so you don’t have to spend time cooking. Schedule a time or a date with your spouse as you would any doctor’s appointment to maintain your good health. When you are driving home from work have a phone date, or a lunch hour phone date.

Use your imagination, get outside of the box and be creative to make sure you have time for each other.

Everyone has skills, things that they have learnt how to do. No one is born knowing how to whistle, flip pancakes, drive a car or even read emails. Skills are things that you have to learn and then practice to become good at.

Marriage is also a skill, it is not something that most people can figure out by themselves. Unfortunately it is a skill that hardly anyone takes the time to study and become proficient at, and maybe that is why we all know so many failed and failing marriages.

Several times a week I find myself in a “relationship situation” wishing there was an instruction manual that would tell me what to do or what to say. Or how about a live link-up to a marriage helpdesk (is that the beginning of a business idea!) to help perfect my marriage skills.

You are in one of those what-do-I-do-now situations and you choose wrong. The result is that you cause HURT. It is impossible to live with someone and not hurt them occasionally.

To be successful in your marriage you have to become an expert, a world class championship winning expert in the skill of HURT MANAGEMENT.

There are three vital steps.

First you have to recognize the signs of hurt in your partner. Typically in women this is anger expressed as nagging, criticism and put-downs. In men it usually expressed more passively as withdrawal, silence or by creating an emotional distance.

Secondly you have to take RESPONSIBILITY for causing the hurt, by apologizing for your actions, committing to not doing it again and asking for forgiveness.

Thirdly the wounded partner has to start the process of forgiving. This means letting go and not holding a grudge and giving up the desire to get even.

Keep practicing you are going to be great.

One of the biggest reasons that people don’t achieve the fullest potential in their marriages, is because they bottle up their feelings. They pretend that what just happened was no-big-deal – but it REALLY was.

When you are hurt you need to express it, otherwise resentment, anger and distance grows develops between the two of you. You need to manager your hurt by expressing it in the right way.

Everyone pushes things under the carpet for the fear of having one of those difficult conversations. But, if everything goes under the carpet the bump in the middle of the room gets bigger and bigger until you trip and go flying.

When you are hurt you need to express yourself. Use your emotional intelligence to know when and how to communicate as soon as possible but in a way that does not attack, criticize or put down your partner.

Here are a few tips on how to do this:

1. Commit to having a weekly Family Business Meeting (FBM). This is a time that you dedicate to talking about things that directly affect your relationship. By setting a weekly time, the upsetting event is never too far in the past, and you don’t have to handcuff your partner to a chair to make sure you have their attention.

1. Take time to calm yourself and figure out what is really going on inside your head. Great ways to calm yourself include; walking the dog, meditation, controlled breathing or simply sitting alone with a cup of coffee.

1. Consider using active listening skills (also know as the Speaker-Listener Technique) at your FBM to ensure that you focus on your perspective of the issue. This style of talking can feel unnatural but helps create a safe environment and avoids a conflict escalating. (Gd willing we will talk more about this in the future.)

1. Be prepared to listen, not just to hear the words that are coming towards you. Hold your tongue and wait for your turn to speak. You don’t have to agree but you do have to understand and empathize with their take on the subject.

Be open and be successful.

“S/He should have known that I wanted to leave here 30 minutes ago, s/he doesn’t care what I want.”

Wow !!

Let’s unravel that destructive thought process. First, our imaginary friend is telling themselves that their partner should have read my mind and been more sensitive to me. If that wasn’t bad enough, part two says, but I know what s/he is thinking and they are only thinking of themselves.

We want our partners to read our minds when it is to our benefit. For example, you might say to yourself, “He should know that I also wanted a cup of coffee when he got one for himself, I shouldn’t have to tell him – we’re married!” Or, “She should have known that I made dinner reservations for our anniversary and hired a babysitter.”

Sadly and frequently we make the mistake of wanting our partners to read our minds, but we forget that they are only human and don’t know how to. Take responsibility for your marriage and speak up to express your thoughts, needs, emotions or desires.

On the other hand we HATE IT when our partners mind read and tell us what we are thinking, especially when they tell us we are thinking badly about them. After a few years of marriage we usually know what is coming next and we can even finish each others sentences. But we don’tknow what they are thinking.

It is upsetting, condescending and annoying to be told what you are thinking and most of the time the mind-read is wrong anyway. Solution: ask before you assume, you could even say, “I noticed XXXXX and before I jump to any conclusions can you tell me what you were thinking please.”

If you want to be a mind reader, get a crystal ball. If you want to protect, nurture and have you relationship flourish, speak up and don’t rely on mind games.

We all know the expression “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” But what if it is broke (or broken as we say in England) are you allowed to fix it then?

Our partners have flaws, weaknesses and do things wrong and it drives us crazy. “If only you would listen to me / do what I say / follow my advice.” We have all the answers to their problems, even the ones they didn’t know they had.

You know how they can; solve the problems they are having at work, get better grades at school, get their parents to stop bothering them, earn more money, take control of their anger or be a better husband / wife.

We think we know exactly what they should be doing, or how they should be living their lives. So, we go straight in with plenty of free and unsolicited advice.

The trouble with being a fix-it man or woman is that we don’t give our partners the time and space to take care of their own issues. Even worse, we give them the message that we don’t think that they are capable to do it by themselves. That is a blow to anyone’s self esteem.

It’s hard to keep quiet when you know that you can help, and it’s frustrating to see them suffer through a problem that you can help them solve. But bite your tongue and hold back, then ask if they want your advice or suggestions. This way you will give your partner their space and they will feel that you are trying to help them and not just get them to do what you want them to do.

Remember nagging is trying to get someone to do what YOU want them to do. Encouraging is getting someone to do what THEY want to do.

Everyone wants to know THE secret to a great marriage. Well, here it is …. there isn’t one. There is no secret formula we are all so different and the challenges and victories that we experience span a wider spectrum than any one person could imagine. There are some great tips that will work for everyone. Here is one for you to think about and put into practice.

Remind yourself often what you love about each other.

One woman put it like this:

When I’m busy around the house taking care of meals, laundry or the kids mess I take a moment to remember. I remember the hours that my husband works to provide for us, his patience, commitment to our family and generosity. I chuckle as I remember a bad joke and his quirky humor.

When you spend time reflecting on the good qualities of your spouse, your love, affection and adoration for each other will grow.

One husband told me:

The way that I maintain a high feeling of esteem for my wife is to think about her great qualities and the things that she does for me. On the way home each day I try to think of another trait that I admire, sometimes I work through the alphabet. It might be: Affectionate, Best cook around, Cares for the dog, Doesn’t get upset when I am late, etc.

Here are some words to get you started, and when you have picked a few (or come up with your own) go ahead and share them.

Warm, Peaceful, Belonging, Sense of us, Shares, Passionate, Trustworthy, Gentle, Kind, Caring, Plans for the future, Gives, Security, Treasure, Reliable, Empathetic, Honorable, Loyal, Team player, Pure, Understanding, Supportive, Friend, Encouraging, Knowing, Committed, Loving, Responsible, Respectful, Open, Sincere, Laughter, Considerate, Accepted, Spirit, Soul, Sex, Together, Complete.

How many times have you asked that question to your husband or wife?

You know the scenario. It’s the end of the day, you come in from work and want to tell them about your day, or to ask for their help with something, or to remind them that you going to your mother for her birthday dinner. But you have that sinking feeling inside of you that no one is listening, they are in the room but no one is there.

Don’t get all self righteous though, if we are being honest, then we need to admit that we have done it too. You hear the distant buzz of someone speaking, but you are thinking about what’s going to be on TV tonight, or when will you get a chance to get your nails done.

So, how can we learn to be better listeners and give our husbands or wives the respect that we know they deserve?

Listen first, speak second. Make sure that you are actually listening to their words and not just planning the next thing that you want to say. When you listen first you create trust, openness and understanding which are also essential elements to finding solutions.

Repeat back to them what they just told you to make sure that you understood, and to let them know that you are trying to understand. It doesn’t matter if they are giving you a shopping list or telling you why they don’t want to call your mother, let them know that you have understood all of the information.

Don’t play dumb. Body language is a more important communicator than the words themselves. If they say “Yes” but their body language says, “No, I am angry, stressed or annoyed”, don’t ignore it, have the patience and caring to try to understand the problem.

When your spouse talks to you, give them eye contact, a smile and your full attention and you will see and hear the delight they feel when they know you are listening.

Marriage is full of great opportunities. It is an opportunity to enjoy companionship, love and meaning. It is also a fantastic opportunity to develop our weaker character traits. Rabbi Pliskin in his book “Marriage” singles out the trait of patience as the one that we get to practice all the time!

Let me ask you, have you ever had to wait for your spouse? Did you ever need to repeat yourself because they just weren’t listening? How many times have you had to do something again because they just didn’t follow the simple instructions? Did you get impatient?

Everyday there are opportunities to improve our level of patience and to learn to be less impatient. When we receive these opportunities we need to be grateful to Gd for them, and gratitude is a much more enjoyable feeling than frustration.

Often when we get short tempered or impatient, it is because we think that the world and all the people in it have to run to our schedule and at our own pace. We have to learn to step back, and to remember, that it is Gd who sets the pace.

Impatience is such a disempowering reaction, it gets you nowhere, fast. But if you change your mindset and use your desire to get things done wisely, then you are in control of a great motivator.

Here are a few tips to take control:

1. Accept other people’s (spouse included) short comings or faults.
2. As soon as the feeling starts rising, recognize it and squash it.
3. Visualize a whole room of people giving you encouragement to stay calm.
4. Think of the people that you DO stay calm with such as an elderly parent of neighbor, and access that feeling of control.

Impatience can lead to dissatisfaction, anger and blaming. On the other hand, patience builds trust, security and intimacy in your marriage. Grasp the opportunities to be a better spouse.

Couples often think that they have to like and do the same things as each other if they are going to stay together happily, or they will just drift apart and fall out or love. In other words it is what you have in common that will keep you together.

Even “eHarmony” matches you over 29 dimensions of compatibility. Do they have the secret of a good relationship?

We don’t think so. We actually made a list once of all the things that we had in common, from taste in food and music, to ways of spending our free time, to the types of books that we like to read. To be honest it was a very short list, but we are ten years married and loving every minute. And the truth is couples who are set up on websites based on shared interests don’t do any better than anyone else.

If we married ourselves there would be no room to develop as a human being. We would never have the opportunity to learn how to be selfless, humble, giving, supportive or communicative, all traits that bring us closer to our husbands / wives and to Gd. We have to be on the same path and have similar goals but our favorite flavor of ice cream is not what keeps us together.

So what is it that keeps a couple together?

There is no short answer but here are a few quick tips:

• Express yourself so your partner knows what you are thinking (they can NOT mind read).
• Be ready to listen. When YOU show that you care THEY will feel supported and loved.
• Understand that you are a team and together you can overcome any quarrel, difficulty or challenge.
• Be a giver (and not a taker).
• Have fun together. Go wild once a while and do something just for the heck of it.

When was the last time you bought a marriage book or took a marriage class together?! 1951!?*!

If you are a lawyer, a doctor, a secretary, a fashion stylist, or a parent, and you want to succeed at you have to keep learning. To be good at your job you need to always be developing your skill base as the situations you finr yourself in are constantly changing.

Imagine lying on the operating table and the surgeon says, “Oh! I have never seen this new type of instrument how do I use it?” Oh Boy! Imagine standing in court with your attorney and the judge says you are charged with misdemeanor #16725, and your attorney says “Oh! I have never heard of that before”. Oh Boy! Imagine hiring a new assistant, and you have an important deadline to meet with your top client, but she says, “Sorry I can’t use computers but I am great with a typewriter!” She can smile sweetly, but Oh Boy!

Marriage is a skills-based relationship. It is life long profession that you have to stay expert at even after the kids leave home or you retire! After the chuppa, rather than thinking; Oh boy what the heck do I do now? Develop your skills and yourself to be a connoisseur of marriage.

Research shows that most couples won’t even take one marriage education program! The normal pattern is for couples to meet, fall in love, get married, and hope for the best. Unfortunately, for 50% of all couples, their marriage and dreams end in divorce.

By learning about marriage you’ll learn what to expect, including; challenges such as the birth of the first child, negotiating work and family responsibilities, problem solving techniques and communication skills. You will learn about romance, love, friendship, integrity, trust, making up, commitment, taking responsibility, acceptance, forgiveness, and sacrifice.

Some of our favorite books are:

The 5 Love Languages: Gary Chapman
You Owe it to Yourself: Atarah Malach
You Paid How Much For That, How to win at money without loosing at love: Markman and Stanley
Making a Good Marriage Better: Avraham Peretz Friedman

Fighting For Your Marriage: Markman and Stanley

Letting go lets you go free. Bearing a grudge drags you down and messes with the most important relationships you have.

You can do it, and it is a mitzvah (commandment) too.

Everyone messes up and everyone (even me and you) has flaws or annoying habits. Accepting them and moving on is one of the great secrets to a successful marriage.

When we get upset, most of the time we just need to let it go. Especially if there has already been an apology. Stop keeping that list of mistakes to be used as a weapon in the future. OK! So she/he doesn’t remember the first time you met, or whatever it is that drives you crazy.

You need to be able to move past the event. Our constant reminders are probably worse than the original sin. But how do we do it? How can we let go?

1. Be the first to apologize. Don’t brood, don’t be resentful, don’t be a martyr and don’t worry about who is right.

2. “Don’t sweat the small stuff.” Most things are not even worth noticing, let alone fighting over. Sometimes you will have to talk about it but choose your battles well.

3. Focus on the credit in your emotional bank account. All the acts of kindness and caring from your spouse over the years are not wiped out by one (or two) acts of thoughtlessness.

4. Accept your spouse’s (or friend’s –this applies to friends as well) limitations.

5. Look at yourself first and judge favorably. Many of our grudges result from oversensitivity. Are they ignoring you, or are they simply preoccupied?

6. Don’t take it personally. It’s not about you anyway.

Letting go frees us. We can exhale and breathe again. It opens us up to more profound experiences and deeper relationships. Give it a try.

There is a new TV show starting here in America called “The Marriage Ref”. Here is what the website says:

“Married life takes center stage as celebrities, comedians and sports stars candidly comment, judge and decide who’s right and who’s wrong in real-life disputes between real-life spouses.”

What do you think, does this sound like a good idea to you? Here are my thoughts.

The idea that there needs to be a winner or a loser in a marital dispute, totally fails to grasp the most important concept of a marriage. When we get married we make a commitment to work together to become one unit. We are now a family who will work together to find solutions where we can all be happy.

In the September 2009 issue of the journal, Psychology and Aging, they reported on the importance of having a sense of “we-ness” in a marriage. A new study suggests that “we” language used between spouses in times of conflict goes along with less negative behavior in lengthy marriages. Studies have indicated that the use of inclusive pronouns such as “we,” “our” and “us” — versus “I,” “me” and “you” — are evidence of marital satisfaction in younger couples. Robert Levenson, the study’s senior researcher, said “we” words over “I” words are “part of this invisible language that can tell scientists what’s going on inside a marriage.”

You don’t need a referee to make peace in your home (Shalom Bayit), you will find it when you are focused on working together as a team to solve your problems. We can only fuse our souls together and live as one flesh (Basar Echad) when we stop caring about who is right and who is wrong and only care about each other.

Your attitude is your biggest strength in your marriage.

Your attitude towards your spouse, yourself and the craziness that is going on all around you is the biggest factor in the success of your relationship.

Attitude #1 – Hide under the rock. Marriage is a bumpy road to happiness and greatness, but if you choose to bury your head in the sand and pretend that your problems don’t exist, they won’t go away. Solution: Start working on the feeling of security between you, so you will have the confidence to bring up difficult issues without fear of rejection.

Attitude #2 – Everything is fine. Fine is a pretty weak description of the relationship that is supposed to bring you joy and fulfillment. Leaving your marriage on the back burner to take care of the kids, the business or the home is not going to increase your level of satisfaction. Solution: Take a class or some time to figure out where the fizzle has gone and start trying to put it back.

Attitude #3 – If only … If only we had more money, if only we had more time, if only we had more/less kids, if only I had married someone else! When you keep looking at what you don’t have you will never find pleasure in the wonderful life that you can create with what you do have. Solution: Give your husband/wife one compliment and one praise everyday and you will soon see all the good that you have.

Attitude #4 – It’s down to me. This is a winning attitude, marriage is a partnership where each partner is 100% responsible. Wake up everyday and think what can I do to make my wife/husband happier and to show them that they are the most important thing in my world.

Are you feeling brave? When was the last time that you and your spouse checked that your priorities were compatible?

Are you sure you are feeling brave? Then try the following eye opening exercise. Each of you list your top five priorities in life and then list what you think your spouse would say your top five are. Some common priorities are:

work/career – house/home - possessions friends - children – sports – hobbies – pets - your partner – future goals – relatives – TV - faith/Gd/religion – education – co-workers – car

If they are the same, that’s great, you are heading for everlasting happiness. If they are not take some time to think about how you can bring them together to bring the two of you closer together.

Jewish thought says that there can only be one priority in your married life, your husband or your wife. They have to be at the top of your list even above your kids, because the best thing that you can do for your kids, is to give them a happy, loving, stable home.

We are all exhausted and this is the most common excuse for not making each other feel that they are our number one. Rabbi Pliskin says to always ask yourself the question, “What can I do to make her/him feel like s/he is the center of my world?”

Maybe you should drop everything when they walk in the door and greet them with excitement, a smile and the kids. Be interested in their day (even if it was boring!). Snap out of it and be attentive. Let them know you are present and it makes a difference to your life that they are with you. Show them that you desire intimacy.

Your husband or your wife needs to know that they are your number one.

Lets define … do you constantly suggest or remind your spouse to do something?  Women nag about things they want their husband to do, and men are usually ‘after the fact’ naggers, telling their wives that they spent to much, or they were not friendly to his mother!

Nagging usually happens when we have a higher standard than our spouses, in anything from cleanliness to manners, from exercise to romance. But … it is really a veiled form of criticism and communicates that you don’t trust them to take care of things on their own.

Nagging never works anyway, which is exactly why you have to keep nagging to get them to do it. Nagging builds up a resistance to your demands. Men react by tuning out, he might nod or smile but he switched off because he knows the script already.

So how can I get them to do the things I am nagging about??! One answer is to encourage. It’s a far bigger motivator than nagging! Encourage is to inspire courage, but you can only support them to do something that they want to do themselves. The beauty and greatness of marriage is that you are living with another adult who is also making their own freewill decisions.

Another way is to show him/her the rewards of doing what you are asking for by expressing your appreciation and gratitude. The more someone likes you, the more they will do the things that make you happy. The more pleasantly you speak the greater the chance you will be heard.

It seems to me that the things we nag about are connected to expectations. How they will always be on time, take their ‘fair’ share of the chores, know how to be perfect, be more affectionate or always look gorgeous. So the next time you are disappointed and ready to nag, realize you had an expectation. Check if it is reasonable and express it through requests rather than demands to build intimacy rather than resistance!

Showing empathy says, “I care enough about you to take the time to understand your feelings.”

Giving someone empathy is better than giving charity or doing a chessed (an act of kindness). Charity is just with your money, a chesed requires that you get more involved but it still stays external to you. Empathy is a much higher level, because you need to give of yourself with your emotions and feelings.

Usually men are pretty bad at this, probably because they are taught to toughen up and get on with it, and that emotions are for girls. Women are usually great at it. If you ever hear a woman on the phone to one of her girlfriends, you will hear the most amazing array of empathetic comments. “That’s terrible”, “Oh no!” “I can’t believe it”, “How could that happen”, and “I would be so upset if that happened to me.” It comes naturally to them.

Showing empathy is a declaration that I enough care about you to take the time to understand “where you are coming from”.

TIP: If you are in a fight, never say “How can you think that?” The answer is easy. She thinks that way because she is not you – from her perspective it is also obvious. You have to try to understand where she is coming from.

TIP: Never say, “What are you complaining about, it’s no big deal!” YES, it is a big deal to him. That is invalidating him and is one of the big danger signs in a relationship.

To successfully show respect and create a safe environment in your home, you have to be able to demonstrate to your spouse, that you know where they are coming from.

Recently we took our kids ice-skating (by the beach – this is LA!), and for the first time we got skates for our youngest boy who is only three years old. He was having a great time trying to figure out what to do and was really becoming confident.

I was left with a dilemma. On the one hand I could ditch the kids and race off to have some fun dodging in between people, alternatively, I could stand at the side and watch my wonderful little boy learn a new skill and take a step towards being a big boy.

I realized that there really was no contest, the deep pleasure of sharing this experience with my son, was far more important to me than the quick thrills of speed skating.

In marriage and relationships we often face similar dilemmas. The choice between focusing on the “I” or the “We”. I can do what I want to do, which will give me a buzz or an ego boost, or I can choose to do something that will build our relationship even though it might not be as exciting. If I choose the second, I am choosing to increase the intimacy between us.

Do something this week that shows your partner that your relationship is the most important thing to you, and that they are the greatest pleasure in your life.

Stress can be a big part of our lives. It comes in many forms and affects our ability to function.

There are three types of stress:

• Stress can come from events we see coming, like starting a new job or the birth of a baby.
• It can come out of nowhere like losing your job or being the victim of a crime.
• We have ongoing stresses in our lives, from our family, in-laws or financial worries.

The common danger is that these stresses will spill over into our marriages / romantic relationships. This makes it much harder to give our partners the patience, attention and affection they need. Stress affects us in many ways, it makes it much harder for us to give the benefit of the doubt, it increases arguments and conflicts and it drains our physical strength.

Mastering your stress will help create and maintain an environment of safety in your relationship. Then you will be able to carry on enjoying each other regardless of what the big-bad-world is throwing at you.

Some practical tips to maintain your serenity:

• Learn how to relax by using simple meditation CDs, this can also be a fun thing to do together.
• Is there an upcoming event or a reoccurring event that is causing you stress? Sit down together to brainstorm how you can deal with the situation better. Can you find a way to better manage your time or to reorder your priorities.
• Take the dog or the baby for a nice long walk (maybe even leave your cell phone behind).
• Yoga!
• Take a long hot shower or bath.
• Try relaxed breathing as you are talking to your partner it will help you listen and be focused. (For all the moms out there, you probably took birthing classes. Remember how they taught you to reduce pain by relaxing your muscles and focusing on your breathing? When you tense up, it hurts!)

We live in a world of blame. We blame the spouse for a bad day, the traffic for being late, and computer games for overweight children. In our world of blame, a packet of peanuts must clearly say, ‘may contain nuts’, and hot drink cups say, ‘caution: contents may be hot’, because rather than take responsibility, we sue manufacturers. Each person blames the other for problems in the relationship.

When you blame, you see the fault in another person and attach negativity to that person. 80% of the negativity you feel towards your spouse has to do with blaming them for X, Y, or Z. Imagine walking around without any negativity. It takes away the heavy baggage. We’re the people who end up being the victim through our own blame. Being right is pleasurable, and we want to blame because it means we are right.

Steven Covey in his ‘7 Habits’ books, defines “responsibility” as having the “ability to choose your response.” Responsible people do not blame circumstances, conditioning, or conditions for their behavior. Response able means constantly choosing how you react to your spouse.

Rabbi Pliskin says you can take responsibility by asking the question, “What can I do now to create a joyful atmosphere in my home?” The two important words are “I” and “do.” In your relationship, instead of trying to get your partner to make you feel happy and secure, you have to learn how to do this through your own thoughts and actions. Instead of getting angry at your partner for feeling rejected when they are late, not listening, or preoccupied, explore your own feelings and be response able. Take 100% responsibility for yourself and ask “what can I do now to…”

When you point your finger at someone else, there are three fingers pointing back at you!

One of the hardest questions we face as married men and women is “when to keep quiet and when to let it out?” Clearly we can’t talk about everything and we also can’t talk about nothing, so what is the right thing to do?

There are times when it is both necessary and helpful to express negative feelings of criticism or disappointment. The Torah teaches us that when we are upset with anyone we need to express our feelings, but when we do express, it must be done is such a way that is constructive and does not cause embarrassment and then only in private. When done correctly we are promised that there will be peace and harmony in the home.

The first step to doing this correctly is never to allow your negative emotions to carry you away and into a storm of yelling, name calling and accusations. Bite your lip, calm yourself and set a time a day or two later which both of you agree on. Often you won’t feel the need to talk about it by then, that is fine too.

If you do still have a need to express yourself, then start discussing the problem by giving each other the opportunity to be understood. First understand their perspective and feelings on the issue. When you both feel fully understood, then you can start to problem solve.

One of the key ingredients of a successful marriage is remembering that you are on the same team.

When Gd arranges the marriage of Adam and Eve He says, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and cling to his wife and they shall become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24) Two important phrases in that sentence, “cling” and “one flesh”. The way to attain marital unity or harmony is by clinging together.

Gd forbid if you were shipwrecked and you were stranded in the ocean and a piece of wood drifts by you would cling onto it and never stop. In a marriage we can become one by always trying to find ways of clinging closer together.

That is where TEAMWORK comes in. You become close by always working on being a better team and being better team mates. Marriage is a TEAM sport, but you are on the SAME team, and you need to be always cheering for and supporting your team.

Some of the characteristics of a good team are:

v     Work as a team

• You are pulling in the same direction by working together.

v     Cover your own positions

• Take responsibility for yourself, your own effort and your behavior.

v     Play be the rules

• Setting limits creates security.

v     Strategy

• Your marriage needs a “vision”.

v     Practice to stay good

• You have to work at it everyday single day to the be the best you can.

v     Ejected for bad behavior

• No one wants to suffer a trip to the doghouse!

v     “Take one for the team”

• Be prepared to give and to give-in even when you are not in the mood

Most of all — enjoy playing!

Cupid is a nice guy, but there is no place for him in the Jewish view of love. Romance is far too important to be left to the little cherub with the mis-firing bow-and-arrow who haphazardly shoots his arrows and makes people fall in love.

Jewish romance and love is never left to chance. Show your husband/wife that THEY are the center of your world (and not you), that is romantic. When you do something or say something that shows your partner that you are trying to be less selfish and more selfless that is romantic.

To have a relationship with Gd you have to be willing to move your ego aside to make room for him. A marriage is the same. When you are willing to give up being ‘me’ you can become ‘us’, that is when your relationship will flourish.

Real romance takes planning and preparation, so starting thinking about how you are going to show your husband/wife that you are thinking about them. Choose a night this week when you can have a romantic get-away, find a babysitter or dog walker so you can disappear for the day (without cell phones). When you put more effort into the planning, you are making a greater statement that, “You are important to me, I love you and I want to be with you.”

Remember the only difference between united and untied is where you put the “I”.

I was out the other day and I heard a women say to her husband, “I have to get home now because I would like to make you that casserole dish you love. It takes an hour and I want to have plenty of time.”

I thought “ahhh that’s thoughtful,” but I couldn’t believe what I heard when her husband responded.

He said, “No it doesn’t, it only takes fifty minutes.” Ouch!!

Recently at a Shabbos meal I saw the following less than lovely interchange take place. Every time Peter tried to tell a funny story, his wife Claire would correct his punch-line. He would say, “then ten people cut in front of me in the line!” and she would chip-in with, “No, it wasn’t ten it was six.”

We all like to be truth seekers, when it suits us. Often we will correct our husbands or wives in the name of accuracy, but all it does is demonstrates a lack of respect and is a very damaging habit.

In both these examples the correction was totally not needed and took away the talkers joy in sharing. Ultimately the danger is that your spouse will stop sharing their stories, dreams and plans all together. Being right can not be more important than protecting the feelings of someone you love.

Enjoy each other.

To learn more about this or any other relationships issue please contact us at the Jewish Marriage Institute.

Some people never stop talking and some people just don’t say enough and most of us rarely say what we mean!

From out of all the chitter chatter in a relationship the types of conversation can be broken down into just three types. Everyone does them all and we need to be doing them all, but the third one in the list below is the only one that is going to make your marriage strong, healthy and long lasting.

1. CASUAL TALK. We do this all day long, these are the things that we need to say to take care of the business of everyday life. We need to know; who is going to shop for groceries, what time you will be home from work or who’s turn is it to change the diapers. This kind of talking must always be polite, respectful and happy.

2. CONFLICT TALK. This is the one that no one wants to do, where we deal with the inevitable conflicts and disagreements that come up between us. Conflict talk needs to take place only when both parties are ready and willing. It needs to be respectful and safe, without fighting and with trust. (Techniques for this will follow in future emails).

3. FRIENDSHIP TALK. This is the one that counts. Friendship talk is when you don’t need to say it to get through your day or week, so when you choose to communicate you are taking the opportunity to build intimacy and strengthen the connection between you.
This is talking about the things that matter to you or simply something that you want to share. Friendship talk is as simple as sharing what is going on in your day, at work of with the kids, or as significant as sharing your goals dreams and aspirations. It’s also listening carefully and supporting your mate when he or she is feeling vulnerable.
Friendship talking is what you did when you were falling in love and it needs to continue throughout your relationship. Without friendship talk you may forget what you brought you together and why you want to stay that way.

Keep talking and enjoy each others company.

Emotional maturity and emotional intelligence are essential ingredients in every relationship, by getting in control of them you will make huge steps to improving the atmosphere in your home.

A great first step is to take control of you moods, you spouse or partner does not need to have a lousy evening because you had a lousy day at work, at school or with the kids.

You ARE in control of your emotions, moods and reactions because you have the amazing gift of free-will. God gave us the ability to be in control of ourselves. No one and no thing can force us to feel or respond in a certain way. When you choose, over and over again, to live with emotional intelligence despite the ups and downs, despite the difficulties and obstacles of life, then God says, “I love you more than I love the angels.”

The opportunities to practice are constant and continuous. The easiest response to someone who shows us a sour face is to return the same look. Don’t fall into the trap of using the excuse that I had no choice or it is was instinctive reaction. Did you ever ask or feel “do you expect me to control my facial expressions too?.” Start using your free will and your emotional intelligence to take control.

Do any of these scenarios sound familiar?

“He was angry at me and started a fight, so I gave some of his own medicine.”
“She didn’t want to talk to me, so I showed her who could stay silent longer.”
“He thinks he is strong willed, I’ll show him!”

Take control of yourself, use your emotional intelligence to make your home the most peaceful and loving place it can be.

In our marriages we have thousands of things to enjoy and celebrate about our husbands or wives, we just have to take the time to learn about them and to notice them. When we were dating and first married I am sure that you thought that your partner was the greatest, most wonderful and caring person in the world. If you still do that is great and go NOW and tell them. If that feeling has started to ebb away here are some tips to regenerate that admiration.

1 – List your partners three best positive characteristics.
2 – Talk about when you first met and what attracted you to each other.
3- Recall what made you choose this person over the rest of the world.
4- Look back and discuss some great memories of your lives together.
5- Think positive thoughts and back them up with an action:
e.g. Think: I am genuinely fond of my partner.
Do: List one characteristic each day for a week that you find endearing or lovable.

A feeling of security and stability is one of the most important factors is making any relationship or marriage last forever. Building an environment of trust and security in your home means “creating a safe emotional space for your spouse where he/she is not afraid to express his/her feelings and opinions.”

When you feel secure you long to be at home spending time with your spouse, and you do not find excuses to keep you physically or emotionally distant. When you feel secure you feel at ease to share your experiences or your emotions, you will not hold back from expressing yourself from fear of hurt or embarrassment.

Building trust and security takes time and effort, some great steps are to:
 Act with integrity.
 Share.
 Take responsibility – don’t blame.
 Never threaten to leave the marriage.
 Stay in control of your negative emotions to create stability in the home.
 Talk honestly – mean what you say and only say it if you mean it.
 Validate and accept your spouse for everything they are.
 Make boundaries and stick to them.

To find out more about this topic or anything else about marriage and relationships contact us at the Jewish Marriage Institute.

Our relationships and marriages give us priceless joy and fulfillment but also leave us open to pain and sadness. At some time we all suffer some hurt in from our partners, it may be from discovering we were lied to or simply if they do not treat our feelings with enough sensitivity. At the time it is hard to think of forgiving but this is one of the keys of a successful marriage.

You need to take responsibility for your actions ask for forgiveness and forgive your partner for his or her actions or inactions. Forgiving is a process that takes time and results in giving up the urge to get even and only works if you let them out of the doghouse.

Think to yourself is there anything that I need to ask forgiveness for?

Here are five steps to make it work

1. state clearly what you did wrong
2. apologize, and make sure you mean it
3. accept that your behavior was hurtful
4. make a plan so that it will not happen again, you may have to make changes to your habits or behaviors
5. remember that your relationship is the most important thing in your life, even if you think you are right do it for the sake of your marriage.

To be successful at anything you have to know where you are heading. A marriage needs a vision just like a business needs a mission statement. Here is a step by step plan to get you and your marriage on track. (This is an excerpt from a longer class, please contact us at the Jewish Marriage Institute if you would like to learn more.)

Step 1: Give yourselves one hour of uninterrupted time

Step 2: Spend a few minutes thinking about some of these questions to get you in the right frame of mind …
What kind of marriage partners do we want to be?
How do we want to treat each other?
How do we want to resolve our differences?
How do we want to handle our finances?
What kind of parents do we want to be?
What principles do we want to teach our children to help them prepare for adulthood and to lead responsible, caring lives?
How do we help develop the potential talent of each child?
What kind of discipline do we want to use with our children?
What roles (earning, financial management, housekeeping, and so on)
will each of us have?
How can we best relate to each other’s families?
What traditions do we bring with us from the families in which we were. What traditions do we want to keep and create?
What intergenerational traits or tendencies are we happy or unhappy with, we make changes?
How do we want to give back?

Step 3: Take out two sheets of paper, one for each of you. Working separately, write a series of short sentences that describe your personal vision of the deeply satisfying marriage you would like to have. Include things that you might think are obvious and include qualities you already have as well as qualities or behaviors you wish you had. Write each sentence in the present tense, as if it were already happening.

For example: “We have fun together,” “We have a meaningful sexual relationship,” “We are loving parents,” “We are affectionate with each other.”

Make all your items positive statements. Write “We settle our differences peacefully” rather than “We don’t fight.”

Step 4: Share your ideas. Note the items that you have in common and underline them. (It doesn’t matter if you have used different words, as long as the general idea is the same.) If your partner has written sentences that you agree with but did not think of yourself, add them to your list. For the moment, ignore items that are not shared.

NOTE: What happens if you have loads of things on your list that are different. It’s not a problem, they could be things are really part of your personal vision and not the vision for your relationship.

Step 5: Now turn to your own expanded list and rank all the sentences (including the ones that are not shared) with a number from 1 to 5 according to its importance to you, with 1 being “very important” and 5 “not so important.”

Step 6: Circle the two items that are most important to you.

Step 7: Put a check mark beside those items that you think would be most difficult for the two of you to achieve.

Step 8: Now work together to design a mutual relationship vision. Start with the items that you both agree are most important. Put a check mark by those items that you both agree would be difficult to achieve. At the bottom of the list, write items that are relatively unimportant. If you have items that are a source of conflict between you, see if you can come up with a compromise statement that satisfies both of you. If not, leave the item off your combined list.

Step 9: Post this list where you can see it easily. Read it every day. Once a week, read it aloud to each other.

Good luck, you have the ability to make a better marriage

A little boy named Johnny was playing marbles in his front yard. His uncle drove up and decided to play with the boy for a few minutes. Then the uncle reached into his pocket and pulled out a dime and a dollar.

“Johnny,” he asked, “would you like a dime today or a dollar next week?”

Johnny’s boyish eyes bounced back and forth between the shiny dime and the crisp greenback. He thought, I could buy a back of potato chips today, or I could wait until next week and buy a rubber ball. He felt some hunger pangs, so he grabbed the dime bought some chips and wolfed the down. They were delicious.

A week passed and when Johnny went out to play one afternoon he noticed that every other boy in his neighborhood had a rubber ball. He wanted one real bad; so he rode his bicycle over to his uncle’s house. “Hey, uncle, how about that dollar you promised me?” Johnny asked.

But his uncle looked down and said, “Johnny, last week I promised you a dime today or a dollar next week, and you made your choice. You can’t have the dollar now.”

We believe that God is big enough to give you the person you can love the most. Don’t settle for a dime if you can have a dollar.

NOTE: A 2009 study by the Australian National University found that partners who are on their second or third marriages are 90% more likely to separate than spouses who are both in their first marriage. Read more »

Daily life involves thousands of expectations; so much so that we get used to having them constantly met, but if the gap between our expectations and the reality we find ourselves living in grows – that is when the challenge of disappointment begins.

If we make an effort to keep our expectations reasonable, then it is reasonable to assume that they are going to be realized. Right? Well, not always. The problem with being reasonable is that what is reasonable to you is weird or extreme to your husband/wife. And what is reasonable in the first year or two of marriage may not be after five years of marriage and a couple of kids.

For example, you might have an expectation that your wife is never late, or that she must look like she has just walked out of the salon. You may expect your husband to always give you the sympathy and empathy that you deserve. These are not reasonable and if you create a set of rigid expectations like these then your marriage is going to struggle.

I will throw out two reasonable expectations. Firstly, that the man of the family spends quality time with the children on a daily basis, and secondly that he works to provide us with a nicely comfortable life style. If you have both of these expectations at the same time they are very often going to come into conflict and you may find yourself with increasing levels of frustration.

This idea was investigated in a study of female doctors. They categorized the women into three groups. Those that put career first, even to the determent of their family, those that put their family first at the risk of not progressing professionally and thirdly those that intended to have a successful career and balanced family life without having to sacrifice either of them. Those that thought they could perform the balancing act were the group with the greatest levels of depression , anxiety and marital problems.

When choosing your priorities and the way that you expect your life to play out, make sure that you are being reasonable and consistent.

To learn more about this topic email us at the Jewish Marriage Institute.

In Jewish thought marital intimacy exists to create “an intellectual, physical and emotional unity between a husband and wife”. It is the way to form the deepest possible connection between a married couple spiritually and physically.

The Torah, when it talks about the first ever couple, Adam and Eve (and by the way the sages point out that they were actually married with a chupah and all the trimmings), says that when they were intimate Adam “knew” his wife. The Hebrew word ledaat, implies connecting to and understanding the essence of a thing. Adam did not know his wife until they were intimate. The purpose was not physical pleasure and was not an attempt to populate the world, it was to connect. Marital intimacy is celebrated in Jewish thought, whilst being extremely private it is never seen as something sinful or shameful.

When Gd created Adam, it was originally a hermaphrodite, a being that was both male and female, and then Gd saw fit to split that original being into two, Adam and Eve, each one of them possessing half of that original soul. Then when Adam and Eve married in the Garden of Eden the two bodies and souls fused back together to create one flesh, basar echad. In marriage, one of the many difficult tasks we are faced with, is to slowly but surely work towards the reuniting of our souls with our wives, whom we consider to be our lost soul mates.

During marital intimacy one of the proper thoughts is that we are reaching the ultimate physical expression of that coming together to form one flesh.

To learn more about this topic email us at the Jewish Marriage Institute