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If You Loved Me, You Would …

Shockingly, many men and women, when they get into a serious relationship and married, expect that their partners will automatically and mystically know all of their needs and how to provide them. Sounds ridiculous but this comes up time and time again when we talk to people.

A woman thinks to herself, “I don’t need to tell you what I need, if you loved me you would know!” She then sits back and waits for her Prince Charming to provide, romance and take care of her.

A guy might think, “If you loved me, you would know how I was feeling, I’m not going to tell you!” He then waits for her to give him affection when he needs it and space when he doesn’t.

Both of them end up miserable, frustrated and feeling unloved and uncared for BECAUSE THEY DID NOT COMMUNICATE. The age of prophesy finished many centuries ago, so the only way for your partner to know what you are thinking, feeling or needing is to tell them. Without clear communication of what you need, they are not going to know.

Ideally, we would all develop ourselves to the point where we have no needs or wants, and are always happy with the situation that we find ourselves in. In the meantime we have to learn how to live with another human being. The only way that you can be sure that they know what you need from them and what you need in the relationship is tell them.

If it is more intimacy or less, home cooked food, a bit of space, to be spoken to more softly, flowers for Shabbos, less sarcasm or a hug, you need to COMMUNICATE what it is that you need. If you find this hard, you can try using a structured conversation such as the Speaker Listener Technique.

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